We waited 12 weeks to tell the kids because we didn't want to have
this conversation.
It wasn't supposed to happen at 16 weeks.
After the first trimester everything is supposed to be smooth sailing.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this!
****
I had some brown spotting on Friday morning.
Called the nurse and she didn't seem worried, so I wasn't either.
Told me just to keep an eye on it and let her know if it turned red.
Tandon and my mom both advised me to call back and see if the doctor would check things out--just so we wouldn't have to worry over the weekend.
I thought they were both being a little over dramatic.
But I called back anyway.
My doctor was out for the day but I was able to get an appointment with a midwife-nurse.
On the drive over I was trying to convince myself that the cost of the appointment was worth peace of mind, but still thought it was all a waste of time and money.
Tandon called as I pulled into the doctor's office and said that he was on his way to meet me there.
Love him!
The two hours that followed felt like I was watching someone else's life from the outside.
Once in the room, the midwife began listening for a heartbeat.
When she couldn't find one, I KNEW.
She told me not to panic yet.
She went to get her ultrasound machine and assured me that we would get to the bottom of this.
As she hooked up the machine, Tandon and Kellen returned from the bathroom.
Calmly--so as not to alarm the children--I mentioned to Tandon that there was no detectable heartbeat.
When the picture came up on the screen the midwife said nothing for a long time.
So finally I said, "I don't see the flashing heart."
She agreed and pointed out other things she was seeing that were of concern.
"It doesn't look promising," she said.
"I'm going to send you up to radiology so they can look. They have more high tech equipment, but I am not hopeful. It doesn't look good."
In radiology, we saw the same thing.
The technician confirmed the death, took some measurements, and asked if we would like her to print a picture of the baby.
We did.
Tears ran down my cheeks.
Kellen asked if what the tech was doing was hurting.
I assured him it did not.
When she left the room we told the kids what had happened.
Anna's eyes filled up with tears and her lip began to quiver.
"So the baby is not going to come out now?"
Kellen showed little emotion, besides concern for me.
He wanted to know how they would get the baby out.
We went back downstairs to talk to the midwife and find out the answer to Kellen's (and all of our) question.
I will have a D&E next week.
IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!!!!
